Doom Break Volume 8 - Where Buffoonery & Humor Escalate
King Arthur wasn't pleased with the quality of his new table. The carpenter had cut some corners.
We’re up to volume 8 right? Should’ve brought my typewriter to keep track…
Swedish Author Fredrik Backman Makes Audience Laugh for 5 Minutes Straight
Let’s Talk Politics (Cheers to MadChimp for this Image)
What do you get it you ask a politician to tell 'the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth'?
3 different answers
What's the difference between a politician and a flying
pig?
The letter "F".
A politician is a man who stands for what he thinks the voters will fall for.
A Rabbi, A Hindu Priest, & A Politician Went On a Hike
Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen. They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night. The farmer said, “Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.”
The Hindu priest said, “I need no material comforts. I will gladly take the barn.”
The rabbi and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the Hindu priest standing there. “So sorry, my friends, but there is a cow in the barn, and I cannot sleep beside such a holy animal.”
The rabbi said, “No problem, my brother. I’ll take the barn.
The Hindu priest and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the rabbi standing there.
“So sorry, my friends, but there’s a pig in the barn, and I can’t sleep beside such an unholy animal.”
The politician said, “OK, let it be remembered that I sacrificed my comfort for the greater good.”
The rabbi and the Hindu priest were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the pig and the cow standing there.
What's the difference between Politicians and Thieves?
Thief: They steal your money then run
Politician: They run and then steal your money
Politicians Visit a School
High ranking politicians visit a school. The top one goes over the expenses and decides to make adjustments to cut costs.
"The lunch portions are too big. Cut them in half. Internet connection too fast. Too many computers."
After that, they go to a preschool. Again, the expenses are too great.
"The lunch portions are too big. Reduce them to half. Too many toys around."
After the preschool, they go to a prison.
"The lunch portions are too small and the selection is too limited. Get faster broadband and more comfortable beds. TVs are too old. Get a few consoles as well."
One of them asks the leader, baffled:
“Are you mad? We just cut costs in schools and preschools, and now you do this?”
“My friend! We will never go to school or preschool again. But we can still easily end up here...”
A Politician Finds Himself at the Pearly Gates
A politician dies...
...and ends up at the pearly gates. St. Peter looks at him and finds his name in his book.
"So, you're a politician..."
"Well, yes. Is there a problem?"
"Oh no, there is no problem. But we have a policy for people in your profession, you have to spend a day each in heaven and hell and then you will be free to choose where you want to spend the rest of eternity."
"Why can't I choose now? Why do I have to spend a day in hell?"
"Well, that is the policy."
First, the politician spends a day in heaven. He sees angels singing and people playing harps. He finds heaven pretty descent.
Next, he spends a day in hell.
Upon arriving there he expects to see barren wastelands with rivers of lava and people being boiled alive, but instead sees lush greenery and a large five-star hotel in front of him. At the hotel entrance, he sees Satan wearing a tuxedo and sipping on a martini.
"This isn't what I expected hell to be."
"Oh, hell has been completely misrepresented. We have a luxury five-star hotel with seven-course meals prepared by the best chefs. And we have all the sporting facilities you could imagine with a very large pool. All this is for free."
So the politician spends the entire day playing golf and eating his meals by the poolside. At the end of the day, he sleeps in the most luxurious bed he could imagine in a very large suite. The next morning, when he wakes up, he is back at the pearly gates where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"So what will it be?"
"I can't believe I'm saying this, but I prefer hell."
So, the politician is transported back to hell, where he sees a barren wasteland illuminated only by the glow of rivers of lava and hears the screams of people being tortured. The air is full of the stench of sulphur. Once again he sees Satan in his tux.
"What happened to the hotel, the golf course, the pool and all the greenery I saw yesterday?"
"Well, yesterday we were campaigning, today you voted."
Why did the politician cross the road?
Because he said he wouldn't
A Politician’s Promise
A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.
”We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager.
“Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.”
On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.
“Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.”
Commercial Airplane Race
What Kind of Dog is That?
Econ 101 Wisdom
I tell my wife to buy good quality products but she always gets cheap junk.
The only thing in our house that doesn't suck is the vacuum cleaner.
I got fired from my summer job at M&M quality control
I threw out a big batch of W's.
Scrooge Imparts Economics
On a hot afternoon, Scrooge the miser and his grandson, Tim, were walking home from a party. Tim complains, "Gramps, it's still a long way back to our house. It's hot and I'm tired. Look, there's a bus stop here. Can we please take the bus home?"
Scrooge is aghast. "It'll cost us six dollars to get home from here! What a waste of money! We'll walk it." Tim sighs, but he's a good kid, and doesn't fuss about it. They barely walk a few feet, when Scrooge sees a passing taxi and hails it.
"How much would you charge to take us home to Springfield Avenue?", Scrooge asks the cab driver. "Springfield Avenue? Around twenty bucks.", says the driver.
"Oof! That's too much. We won't be requiring your services, thank you."
The cab drives off. Tim turns to his grandfather, exasperated. "Did you *really* think that a taxi to Springfield Avenue would cost less than a bus ride?", he asks, incredulously.
"Don't be ridiculous, of course not.", Scrooge scoffs.
"Then why did you bother flagging down the taxi, Gramps?!"
"Foolish boy! We would've saved $6 by not taking the bus, now we're saving $26 by not taking the taxi!"
Not So Subliminal Economic Messaging
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on
Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If a tax man, a politician, and a lawyer were all drowning and you could only save one, would you go to lunch, play some golf, or read the paper?
Teaching Police Communication Skills
When A Jealous Camera Falls in Love it Only Sees What it Wants To
Word to the Wise Ain’t Necessary, It’s the Stupid Ones Need All the Advice
The road to success is always under construction.
The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary.
Asking a stupid question is better than repairing a stupid mistake.
If you open the door to a lesser evil, a greater one will slink in after it.
If you can't be content with what you have received, be thankful for what you have escaped.
There are two kinds of secrets: one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.
It's ok to let a fool kiss you, but don't let a kiss fool you.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.
New York manufacturer of gentlemen's head-wear is called "Manhattan".
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges...
How many letters are there in the Alphabet? 19 ... because ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him.
A man who mixes poison ivy with a four leaf clover will have rash of good luck.
How do you measure the quality of a dadjoke? With a sighsmograph.
What’s a quality you look for in a good lawyer? Lie-ability
A transvestite is a man who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.
The best way to save face, is to keep the lower part of it shut.
The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can hold it.
Knowledge was never known to enter the head via an open mouth.
The best way to keep your word is not to give it.
He’s Not Sorry For What He Did, He’s Sorry He Got Caught
Navigating the Gauntlet
A Smart Blond
A blonde walks into a bank in central New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in central New York City can I park my Rolls for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Especially loved the Fredrik Blackman clip…(and his charming book, “A Man Named Ove.”)
Great to have a laugh. I love the ones about having to sleep in the barn and the two animals knocked on the door when the politician slept there.