Good Quotes, Woke Croaks, Cringe Jokes

We have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down. —Kurt Vonnegut

[Author’s Note: Hello all, hope you are well. Please expect a deep rabbit hole dive on weather warfare, NEXRAD, DEWs, & arson in the near future, but in the mean time, I hope you enjoy these quotes, jokes, and woke croaks (this will make sense when you watch the video). Formatting is light because this is being written from a cell phone. Much of what follows comes without attribution, but none of the quotes or jokes were written by me. Enjoy!]

Good Quotes

Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared. —Buddha

Hope like an optimist, plan like a pessimist.

It's all about perspective as a cleaning man at NASA best said when asked what he was doing: I'm helping to put a man on the moon —Janitor, NASA

The meaning of life is to give life meaning.

Our lives are not our own. We are bound to others, past and present, and by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future. —Cloud Atlas

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.

Even after all this time the Sun never says to the Earth "you owe me." Look what happens with a love like that, it lights the whole sky. —Hafiz

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.

If you love a flower, don’t pick it up. Because if you pick it up it dies and it ceases to be what you love. So if you love a flower, let it be. Love is not about possession. Love is about appreciation. —Osho

If you go looking for a friend, you’re going to find they’re very scarce. If you go out to be a friend, you’ll find them everywhere.

Don’t build a higher fence, build a bigger table.

If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together. —African Proverb

Children see themselves through the eyes of the people who care for them. —G.W. Miller

Sometimes it is necessary to take unpopular positions. I have to live with my conscience a lot longer than I have to live with my job. —Senator Frank Church, Among the First US Congressmen to oppose the Vietnam War.

You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.

Be the person your dog thinks you are." - J.W. Stephens

I shall pass this way but once; any good that I can do or any kindness I can show to any human being; let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again. —Etienne de Grellet (1773-1855); Quaker Missionary

Forgiveness is the scent the violet has shed upon the boot that has crushed it. —Twain

Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habit. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny. ―Lao Tzu

When I was 5 years old, my mother told me that happiness is the key to life. I went to school, they asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down 'happy'. They told me I didn't understand the assignment, and I told them they didn't understand life. —John Lennon

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. —Buddha

During my extended bout with hypochondria I contracted many maladies and died countless deaths. As it turns out, the cause of my illness was a life unlived, and the remedy was to live it.

A ship is safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for. —William Shedd

Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, but Today is a gift. That is why it is called the present. —Bill Keane

Today I will do what others won't so that tomorrow I can do what others can't.

When I helped my friend climb a mountain. I found out that I too have reached the top in the process

To put one brick upon another,

Add a third and then a forth,

Leaves no time to wonder whether,

What you do has any worth.

But to sit with bricks around you,

While the winds of monsoons bawl,

Weighing what you should or can do,

Leaves no doubt of it at all.

—Philip Larken

Our worst fears, like our greatest hopes, are not outside our powers, and we can come in the end to triumph over the former and to achieve the latter.” —Marcel Proust

Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'Press On' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race. —Calvin Coolidge

Being bad at something is the first step to getting good at something: The mighty Oak tree was once a nut that stood its ground.

I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed. —Michael Jordan

Success occurs when your dreams get bigger than your excuses

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.

If you really want something, you'll find a way. If you don't, you'll find an excuse.

Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever. —Lance Armstrong

For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these, 'It might have been'.” —John Whittier

If you are depressed, you live in the past. If you are anxious, you live in the future. But, if you are at peace with God, you live in the present.

Don’t count the days, make the days count! The extra mile is never crowded but always worth it. We were never meant to survive, only to shine brightly. —Muhammad Ali+

The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago; the second best time is now. Should you delay, a year from now you will wish you had started today.

Legacy is planting seeds in a garden you never get to see. A man dies twice, once when his heart stops beating and again when his name is said for the last time.

If you would not be forgotten as soon as you are dead, either write things worth reading or do things worth writing." -Benjamin Franklin

We could make life on earth heaven. Doesn't the thought of that make you want to try? —Bo Burnham

A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man. —Jebediah Springfield

We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope. —Martin Luther King Jr.

It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll. I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul. —William Ernest Henley

Let us endeavor so to live, that when we come to die, even the undertaker will be sorry. —Mark Twain

The last day you have on earth, the person you became will meet the person you could have become. Become better than that.

The Paradoxical Commandments by Dr. Kent M. Keith

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered. Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives. Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds. Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs. Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them. Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you have anyway.

A man's character is judged by what he does when his back is against the wall.

Let me tell you somethin you already know. The world aint all sunshine and rainbows. Its a mean and nasty place and i dont care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there perminatly if you let it. You, me or nobody is going to hit as hard as life. But it aint about how hard ya hit. Its about how you you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keepoving forward. Thats how winning is done! Now if you know what youre worth, go out and get it, but you gotta be willin to take the hits, and not pointin fingers, sayin you aint where you wanna be because of him, her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that aint you! You’re better than that! —Rocky Balboa

Growth and comfort do not coexist —Ginni Rometty

Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger men. —John F. Kennedy

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you’re a good person is like expecting a bull not to attack you because you’re a vegetarian. Life is inherently unfair so grab it by the horns and never lose hope:

Save your best socks for your worst day.

I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something. —Samwise

You’re not what happened to you. you're what you do next.

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king. —Tolkien

Many things that seem threatening in the dark Become welcoming when we shine light on them.

You're afraid of dying? Good, that means you have a life worth living" From the film The Last King of Scotland

A father said to his daughter “You graduated with honors, here is a car I acquired many years ago. It is several years old. But before I give it to you, take it to the used car lot downtown and tell them I want to sell it and see how much they offer you.

The daughter went to the used car lot, returned to her father and said, “They offered me $1,000 because it looks very worn out.” The father said, ”Take him to the pawnshop.”

The daughter went to the pawnshop, returned to her father and said, ”The pawn shop offered $100 because it was a very old car.”

The father asked his daughter to go to a car club and show them the car. The daughter took the car to the club, returned and told her father,” Some people in the club offered $100,000 for it since it’s a Nissan Skyline R34, an iconic car and sought out after by many.”

The father said to his daughter, ”The right place values you the right way,” If you are not valued, do not be angry, it means you are in the wrong place. Those who know your value are those who appreciate you. Never stay in a place where no one sees your value.

Not one of your pertinent ancestors was squashed, devoured, drowned, starved, stranded, stuck fast, untimely wounded, or otherwise deflected from its life's quest of delivering a tiny charge of genetic material to the right partner at the right moment in order to perpetuate the only possible sequence of hereditary combinations that could result -- eventually, astoundingly, and all too briefly -- in you. —Bill Bryson

Woke Croaks

Cringe Jokes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said, "Watson. Look up, and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"And what do you deduce from that, Watson?"

"Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life, perhaps like our own. What do you see, Holmes?"

"Watson, I see that somebody stole our tent."

The grass may be greener on the other side, but, have you seen their water bill??

Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac? He lay awake at night wondering if there is such thing as a dog.

What has 2 butts and kills people?

Assassin

A man walks into a bar... ouch

Why don't blind people go skydiving?Because it scares the hell out of the dog

Three statisticians are out hunting in the woods. They spot a buck and crouch down. The first statistician takes aim with his rifle and fires and misses five meters to the right. The second statistician takes aim with his rifle and fires and misses five meters to the left. The third statistician exclaims, "I got him!"

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. They have a pint. They leave. Everything was fine Response: Now wait just a darn minute! This was about jokes, not fairy tales!

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a ole bear hug.

One day, a husband said to his wife, “I don’t know how you got to be so beautiful and so dumb at the same time.”

The wife responded, “Allow me to explain…”

“God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. He made me dumb so I would be attracted to you.”

I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra. It was a boobie trap

My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. The last thing she said was, 'Be positive.' But it’s hard without her.

A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a clinic to donate blood. The rabbit turns to the nurse and says, 'I think I'm a Type-O.

Use the force, Harry. —Gandalf.

Response: Oh my gosh I love Star Trek!

"If you're too lazy to reach the TV remote, you need to reevaluate your life. —Abraham Lincoln

Don't believe everything you read on the internet." —Benjamin Jefferson

It annoys me when people use "you're" and "your" incorrectly. There so dumb.

How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to want to change

A termite walks into a bar and asks "is the bar tender here?

Yesterday I couldn’t figure out whether someone was waving at me or the person behind me. In other news, I lost my lifeguard job.

Why couldn't the lifeguard rescue the hippie? Because he was too far out, man."

A photon went to check in at a hotel and the receptionist asked, 'Do you need a bellhop to take your bags to your room?' The photon replied, "No thanks, I'm traveling light today.

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One weighs a ton, and the other is a little lighter.

Who was the roundest knight in King Arthur's court? Sir Cumference.

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

When you're good at something, you'll tell everyone. When you're great at something, they'll tell you.

I'm sick to death of people saying we've made 11 albums that sounds exactly the same, Infact, we've made 12 albums that sound exactly the same. —Angus Young (AC/DC)

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"

He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.

I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

So Long, Farewell

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Ps. I knew this artist, a gentler man I have not met: