Doom Break Volume 9: The English Language Commits a Crime

Nothing in the universe can travel at the speed of light, they say, forgetful of the shadow's --strike that-- laughter's speed

Questions Abound

• Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

• Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?

• Why do ships carry cargo and cars carry shipments?

• And when they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

• And why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

• And why do they call them ‘apartments’ when they are together?

• And why do your lips not touch when you say ‘together’, but do touch when you say ‘apart’?

• And why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

• And whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

• Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

• Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

• And why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?

• Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

• Why do people use their driver’s license to buy things that impair their ability to drive?

• And if you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

• And does Lightning McQueen need car or life insurance?

• And why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

• And why are cigarettes sold in gas stations where smoking is prohibited there?

• And how does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

• Why is brushing your teeth the only time you get to clean your skeleton?

• How can someone "draw a blank"?

• And why is the word "abbreviate" so long?

• And shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

• And why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

• And why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

• And what are other words for "thesaurus" and “synonym”?

• And why can’t you describe what salt taste like without using the word “salty”.

• Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

• And what does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

• And what do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?

• Why is it that when some people are driving and looking for an address, they turn down the radio?

• And why does one get in trouble for WRECKless driving?

• If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?

• Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

• Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

• Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?

• Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?

• If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

• Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

• And why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

• And why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

• If nothing sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

• If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

• And if you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

• And what was the best thing before sliced bread?

• If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

• And if a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

• Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

• You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

• And why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

• And why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

• Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

• If a mime swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

• And do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

• And last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

• If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

• Why is the severity of the itch proportional to inability to the reach it?

• Why is a a fool and his money soon partying?

• And how did a fool and his money GET together in the first place?

• Why does success always seem to occur in private, while failure does so in full view?

• And why is experience something you don't get until just after you need it?

• If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

• And if olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

• If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

• If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

• If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

• If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

• Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

• How can there be self-help "groups"?

• How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

• And if it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

• And why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

• How many weeks are there in a light year?

• If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

• Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

• Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

• Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

• And what hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

• Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

• Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

• Does killing time damage eternity?

• And why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

• Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

• Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

• If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

• Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as "4s"?

• And isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
  

More on language: Two Dead Boys by Tyler Rager

Ladies and gentleman skinny and scout
I'll tell you a tale I know nothing about
The admission is free so pay at the door
Now pull out a chair and sit on the floor

On one bright day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys got up to fight
Back-to-back they faced each other
Drew their swords and shot each other

The blind man came to see foul play
The mute man came to shout hooray
The deaf policeman heard the noise
And came and killed those two dead boys

He lived on the corner in the middle of the block
In a two story house on a vacant lot
A man with no legs came running by
And kicked the lawman in his thigh

He crashed through a wall without making a sound
Into a dry creek bed and suddenly drowned
A long black hearse came to cart him away
But he ran for his life and is still gone today

I watched from the corner of the big round table
As the only eyewitness to the facts of my fable
And if you don’t believe that these lies are true
Just ask the blind man, he saw it too

Finally

• If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first.

• The lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math

• A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well

• A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn

• When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder Why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

• If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"

• If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and drycleaners depressed?

• If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

• Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

• STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS

• If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

• A cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living

• War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left

• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

One of the sources and more like this —> here <—

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